Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Clearing the Facebook Air

I’m single. For some reason this has been an undesirable topic the Facebook world seems curious about over the last few months. Is it because my Facebook wall isn’t adorned with pretty couple pictures or love statuses that it once knew? Ew, I’m grossed out I even remotely did that EVER in my life. Cheese fest. Forgive me. I definitely learned my lesson on unnecessary vomit-inducing statuses that also can bring up in the lives of others some bitter tasting memories. I’ll keep it together for next time. Pinky swear.

I don’t mean to offend, however, I did not realize the ramifications of putting my relationship status over a year ago for the world to see (my first and perhaps last time,)  which progressed into a lot of support from people I met along the way of life definitely switched to be something that would come back to literally haunt me technologically. Let me introduce you to my good friend the preposition: BUT. It just didn’t work out. Things just sometimes don’t turn out how you think. #ThankGOD #hindsight20/20

As I’ve struggled through the ups and downs of a relationship that crashed and burned, and I feel so bad saying this, but I have cringed at most of the inquiries about my personal "love-life". I feel like I’ve “read” it all and heard it all: from Facebook messages, texts, and phone calls. I was bombarded with the classic—“Hey, I saw you were engaged, is that still happening?” Or, “I stalked you, what happened? I thought you were getting married!”, and my favorite one: “Are you married?”. I will say the one time that felt good was when someone asked if I was married, I said “no”, and they asked me out. Props to him! That was back in July. I am currently single, am not “confused” about my doomed for failure relationship, and yet I have no such luck! Nnnnno dates. That’s okay, I’m still recovering from being totally disappointed in the male-population!

Needless to say of what you’ve read so far, I would like to give some advice and Diana's Code of  Ethics for anyone tempted to write someone with something so personal as an obvious relationship-fail and what you should or maybe shouldn’t do about your observation. 

First off--why are you asking? If it's purely out of curiosity--maybe, no, just don't. Curiosity killed the cat and our friendship. For me, those messages were a twist in the dagger already placed there by someone I thought truly cared about me when I was going through the darkest of times during the craziest part of my life. I’m sorry if you feel that goes out to you. I know, I sound so mean! Not all inquiries fell upon deaf ears. Everyone’s personality is so different, but for me, if I wanted to talk about it, I would have talked to you about it, blatantly posted about it, or made it clearly manifest somehow. Because I no longer post sweet nothings, pictures with a significant other, or am keeping a low-profile does not cue inquiries. 

To a few of you who did write me, and I wrote back confiding, it is because you proved to be a true friend over the years, and not just someone out of left field wanting to find out how my life got ruined. I felt I could trust you, and I hope to Jesus up in the heavens that I can continue to trust you with the delicate story that is mine and that is also very PRIVATE. And you know what? I will do the same for you. I will be there for you, non-judgmentally, and lovingly as you helped this bird with a broken wing heal. I’m starting to soar—and I have you to thank.

Secondly, don’t let Facebook or social media be a place where people cannot move on with their lives, or feel defined.Don’t make it a place where crossing personal boundaries is “ok”. What I found to be truly shocking was that people who I haven’t talked to in YEARS, and never really shared a deep side of my life or self with felt it was clearly okay to directly skip the "how are you, I’m glad we caught up," and just went for the one-two punch. I interpreted that and sometimes it was literally a sentence like: "What is going on in your relationship? I saw your happy-couple posts from the past so I'm entitled to know", as if our friendship was deep-enough to share such intimate and life-changing experiences of why it did NOT work out. Not many people asked me how we started out, how am I obligated to say how it ended? Further you'll read how there is no need to cause the feeling of obligation.

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe that was someone trying to be there for me if I seemed like I was hurting or needed a helping hand. I apologize if this blog hurts your feelings. I guess I just needed to clear my personal conscious and also make a point that these personal failures should be just that—personal. 

Here's number three: For someone who is being asked to talk about things that are just too painful or too personal, it is okay to say—I do not want to talk about it.  But I will speak for all of us and say, thank you for thinking of us. Thanks for thinking of me and doing something about it. And a special thanks to those who have been there forever and didn't push or pry too hard because I knew I could open up if needs-be and you would have my back, even if it seemed like the wrong thing. Your faith in me to do the right thing at the end of the day meant the world to someone like me. But remember, those friendships and heart-felt conversations have to be earned. They shouldn't be demanded or expected. 

I guess here is my fourth and last tip is--the  best way to help anyone or me is to just love and accept  me, even for the things that will never be spoken.  Also, be that good friend NOW, not just when it's convenient. If you do that, when you feel you should reach out, the person who may be unwilling to share just might trust and feel they can open-up so you can help them through the ups and downs of this truly mind-boggling, heart-wrenching, and spiritually developing journey called life.