(I'm writing on a laptop with no enter button--hence the giant paragraph.) I was supposed to be sleeping 51 minutes ago. :( Goals--they are tough to keep and i just broke day 1 of going to bed on time, however, i just have the urge to write in my neglected blog. Sorry, body. I will make up for my negligence to you later. Lately, i have had my normal struggle resurface, and if you are a woman who struggles with this then you feel me, but my battle is against not my body but the condition of it. All day today i have just felt sick, and if my body had words it would say, "I am not functioning at my optimum potential, lady". It's right. And, i can tell. And, you know, it seems all so easy in my head until i run into conflicts, and until my mind takes on so many different perspectives, it's hard to know what to believe. Some of those thoughts are, "Screw diets, they suck. You're great, 'just the way you aaaarrrrre'" as Bruno Mars sings that to me. Then I think, "No, you are full of potential, woman. Why don't you try to reach it? Challenge yourself! Eat healthy and get back to your most healthy weight" Sooouuups aka super motivational in my head. I think i have like a Sylvester Stallone voice when i'm in the zone. Then i have thoughts like, "dude, you're hungry. Pizza sounds fabulous right now", or "Just a piece of (this extremely caloric-empty treat) is to be enjoyed! Endugle!" Man, so many thoughts. I know it can't just be me. So, today was one of those days where you are way too aware of your body. It was telling me all the things that were wrong with it, how i need to basically be nicer to it and help it function better. So, i listened. I fed it natural and nourishing foods, and i drank my high quality H20. If that's not love, really, then my plant-care-taking skills served me no good. To top it off i decided i should really exercise and do things that are actual enjoyment. Running? Not right now. Maybe when i'm 20 pounds lighter and don't feel like a sausage with legs aka a wiener dog. Zumba. It's always the answer to any situation. I'm having a crappy day! Zumba. I'm bored. Zumba. I want 500 donuts. Zumba. Work was stressful today. Zumba. Seriously, it's a no-brainer. So, I went. I made it to Zumba. I was surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes, yet, when i saw my reflection i had the classic, natural man thought, "Oh Diana...what happened to you?!" Then i danced and forgot and then i would catch a glimpse and all my thoughts of when i was younger came back. It's a hard thing. The body has a purpose and that is to house our spirit yet we get so caught up in what the world and what society deems as beauty. And, a lot of times i am guilty of what i think a lot of people are guilty of...until i am at this goal, i'm not beautiful, i'm not successful, i'm not...whatever it is that you think. This is my life-long battle. I constantly fight with my thoughts debating what matters to me. And, here is what i decided: It matters what i feel about myself and how i see myself. It doesn't matter what category society puts me in. This world has a skewed perspectiv, not me. And, they have a skewed way of judging what matters to a human-being. Being so focused on the outside discredits so much of within. I don't discount the outside matters, but truly, i think the true definition of beauty is seeing what others can't see; in finding the vitality and value of what goes undiscovered. What good would it do to me to have something that the world thinks is fabulous when i find it unsatisfying? I would rather have a treasure and be the only one to know of it than to get vain and empty admirers. That's not to say i don't support health and fitness. Oh, I do. My body is right. I have to take better care of it. And, i will work on appreciating it at all stages of life, but, my hope is to not get brain-washed by what the voices in my head, the clones in Hollywood and all around me decide is valued and wanted. I will be the keeper of my own opinion. That is more of value than what the band-wagon of blind clones is on. And, to end my story perhaps on a high note...I went up to the Zumba teacher after class to thank her b/c her songs freaking rocked and i just realy enjoy her class and her response to me was, "I notice you all the time. You are beautiful".
